Joint Custody with a Jerk: Protecting Children in Divorce What Parent Needs to Know

Children cannot resolve ongoing parental conflict during and after divorce, they observe everything and interpret it as their fault. Research links high-conflict divorce to anxiety, depression, PTSD, and substance abuse in children. The most protective thing divorcing parents can do is disengage from conflict, stay out of the courtroom, and focus exclusively on their children’s wellbeing rather than their own grievances.

I just know you’re reading this title and thinking: “Ah ha. She’s finally writing about my ex.”

Actually, I’m writing about a book, a truly valuable one called Joint Custody with a Jerk by Julie Ross and Judy Corcoran (1996). Current events with friends and colleagues pulled it back off my shelf recently, and I thought: people need to know this. So here we go.

The first thing that struck me about this book, all those years ago, was how remarkably even-handed, realistic, and practical it is. It doesn’t pretend to fix everything. It isn’t psychobabble.

What Divorce Actually Costs?

Divorce is an industry unto itself and a dangerous, nasty piece of business.

Custody evaluators. Forensic accountants. Mediation specialists. Child psychologists. Psychiatrists. Private investigators. Parenting class teachers. Attorneys of every stripe. This entire army of specialists was spawned by more than half of all marriages dissolving. It will never go out of business unless you decide not to play.

And the stakes? They are extraordinarily high. Every year, a woman and her attorney are killed on courthouse steps by an ex-husband who believes his children are being taken from him. Every year, a woman, driven to the edge by years of financial warfare and relentless petty humiliation, burns down her ex-husband’s car, sometimes with him in it.

Ordinary people behave in extraordinarily sick ways.

The Little Boy in My First-Grade Class

I need to share something with you.

I was a teacher-in-training in a first-grade classroom. I had a child for whom I was deeply concerned. His parents were divorcing. He was sad, visibly, quietly, heartbreakingly sad.

He got it into his head that the divorce was his fault.

He had watched his parents take aspirin when they were in pain. He was six years old. He took a lot of them likely because he was in a lot of pain.

His liver failed. He died.

That little boy observed the fighting, interpreted that he was the cause, and wanted to make the pain stop. He didn’t know how. He used the only solution he could think of.

No one can live with what happened. I don’t care how immature, selfish, or difficult those parents were, no one can carry that. They underestimated their child completely. They all paid a price that cannot be calculated.  All of us paid a price.  It’s been 51 years and it still hurts. 

Think you’re immune? I’m asking you not to answer that.

What Divorce Research Shows?

Decades of research on children of divorce have told us something critical.

The divorce itself, painful as it is, can be resolved by most children. Younger children tend to carry fewer lifelong consequences than older ones. But there are factors children simply cannot overcome.

They cannot recover from the carnage that happens during and after the divorce. Kids are extraordinary observers. They are terrible interpreters. The spit flying. The accusations. The courtroom performances. All of it lands in a child’s nervous system as their fault, their responsibility, their burden. Over the course of 25 years in private practice, 400 of them had some type of divorce dynamic I know what it costs. I have watched it cost children everything.

Children carry burdens in ways that show up years later as anxiety disorders, depression, PTSD, substance abuse, attachment disorders, relationship dysfunction, and academic failure.

Do Everything You Can to Stay Out of the Courtroom

I have yet to see a judge make a decision that is truly in the best interest of the children. Do everything you can to stay out of that room. If you are in genuine danger, you have no choice but to fight with everything you have to protect yourself and your children. But if you are arguing about almost anything else, ask yourself honestly: Am I willing to sacrifice my children’s wellbeing in service of my ego, my revenge, my need to win?

Remember King Solomon

Two women stood before King Solomon, both claiming the same infant as their own. Solomon decreed that the child be divided in two, half to each woman. The true mother leaped forward immediately. Give the child to her. Alive. Unharmed. Solomon knew instantly who the real mother was. The willingness to endure personal pain rather than allow a child to be destroyed, that is the standard. That is what is being asked of you.

What You Should Never Do in a Divorce?

After 25 years and approximately 400 families, here is what I know you should never consider:

• Stand up in open court and proclaim, “Dead mothers don’t get custody.”
• Recruit your children to lie, make prank calls, spread gossip, or leave hateful notes
• Bad-mouth, vilify, or demonize your ex even if they’ve earned it
• Allow your children to manipulate you into skirmishes so they can gain an advantage
• Manufacture crises to insert yourself into your ex’s custodial time
• Frighten your children into being afraid of their other parent
• Accuse your ex of something in open court that you cannot slam-dunk prove because you will get slam-dunked
• Blame your ex for every difficulty in your own life
• Invite family over to read the custody evaluation aloud and conduct a character assassination of your child’s other parent
• Socialize with your divorce attorney, you will carelessly discuss annihilation strategies of your child’s mother or father
• Solicit anyone to harm, kidnap, or set up your ex.  Watched Dateline NBC?  People have done every one of these things

What You Should Always Do in a Divorce?

• Be ethical, honest, and sane; even when everyone around you has lost their minds.
• Improve yourself a little every day. If you manage not to make one nasty comment today, that is a genuine start.
• Help your children build healthy, effective coping skills because this will not be the last difficult thing they face.
• Stop waiting for anyone else to make you happy. That is your responsibility.
• Remember that your children will grow up and leave. You cannot divorce yourself. You may have 30 good years after they begin their own lives. Start getting ready for those years now.
• Don’t let your ex throw you off course. Don’t take their behavior personally. Don’t let their chaos slop over onto you. Wipe it off. Move on. “Next!” is a perfectly acceptable motto.
• Work with a mental health professional to understand your ex’s behavioral profile and learn how to navigate their persistent patterns without getting pulled into their drama.
• Ask yourself before every decision: “Will I remember this on my deathbed? Can I live with the consequences? What will my children think of me?”

If you work on yourself and become genuinely self-sufficient, independent, and satisfied, you will age better, be healthier, be more attractive, and may find yourself looking at your life one day thinking: It is so much better than I ever imagined. You may even find yourself quietly thanking your ex for giving you the chance to discover exactly how extraordinary you are.

Being successful is the best revenge. So is crossing the finish line with healthy, well-adjusted children because you refused to go bat-crazy and used your intelligence instead.

One More Truth About Divorce

I have walked away from more than a few situations over the years thinking quietly to myself: a good divorce is better than a bad marriage.

I have been genuinely impressed by the co-parenting couples who could pull it off.  Those who asked themselves the hard questions, got an honest appraisal of their own role in the chaos, and changed. They changed. The situation changed. Their children were the lucky ones.

You can be the one who does it differently.  I have confidence in you.

Reference: Ross, J. & Corcoran, J. (1996). Joint Custody with a Jerk: Raising a Child with an Uncooperative Ex. St. Mar

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Frequently Asked Questions (FAQs)

How does Joint Custody with a High-Conflict Parent Affect Children?

Children exposed to ongoing parental conflict during joint custody are at higher risk for anxiety disorders, depression, behavioral problems, and long-term emotional distress. Research from the American Psychological Association shows it is not divorce itself that causes harm, but persistent conflict between parents that places children in loyalty binds or emotional crossfire.

Is Staying Out of Family Court Better for Children?

When safety is not an issue, minimizing court involvement often benefits children. Court proceedings can escalate conflict, prolong stress, and remove parental control over decision-making. Guidance from the National Institute of Child Health & Human Development suggests that cooperative problem-solving outside of court generally leads to better emotional outcomes for children.

What Should Parents Avoid During Joint Custody Disputes?

Parents should avoid bad-mouthing the other parent, using children as messengers, manufacturing crises, or repeatedly interfering with the other parent’s custodial time. These behaviors increase stress for children and can negatively affect custody outcomes and may also negatively impact legal standing in custody cases.

Can Children Recover from a High-Conflict Divorce?

Yes. Most children can adapt to divorce when conflict is limited and parents provide emotional stability. However, chronic post-divorce conflict significantly interferes with a child’s ability to recover and may result in long-term psychological consequences. Reduced parental conflict is the key protective facto

What is Custodial Interference and Why is it a Problem?

Custodial interference occurs when one parent disrupts the other parent’s legally assigned time or decision-making authority without cause. Courts view this behavior seriously, and it can damage both legal standing and a child’s sense of security. Interference can escalate into more serious legal consequences if it violates custody orders.

How can Parents Protect Children during a High-Conflict Divorce?

Parents can protect their child by regulating their own emotions, reducing exposure to conflict, maintaining predictable routines, and teaching children healthy coping and self-advocacy skills. Resources from Psychology Today emphasize that consistent parenting and emotional regulation are critical in preventing long-term psychological harm.